One day at a time

This last month has been crazy and I am going to throw this out there even though it's very hard for me to talk about.

I have been to the doctor and have been prescribed medicine which i am choosing not to take. I am seeing a therapist though and it seems to be helping things. My attitude for the past year just hasn't been where it should be. My fuse has been extremely short. Apparently, this is in part postpartum depression. There are some other issues that are tied in with it, but the postpartum depression has seemed to amplify what was already going on. Something had to give, and hopefully this path that I am taking will make me myself again. I don't like the person that I have become. It has only been a few weeks, but I can already tell that there is at least a small difference. I still have a very short fuse and my attitude is not anywhere near where it should be, but I am working on it. At the suggestion of the therapist, Todd and I need to have a weekly date night so that we can get back to being a couple and not just two parallels. We started that this week and it was nice to be alone together and be able to talk about anything and everything. I also need to start speaking my mind more instead of worrying about how my feelings will affect others. That's a hard one for me. Obviously, I don't want to just be a bitch and tell everybody off when they upset me, but I do need to find a way to constructively get my feelings across. Most importantly though, I need to realize my feelings and the reason for those feelings. For now though, I am just taking things one day at a time.

Growing Up

i have not written in a while...Between birthday parties, working, children, husband, and miscellaneous other things, i have been running short of time and energy. Now, I am taking a breather and reflecting. My babies are growing up. My mom says they are growing too fast for her...wait a minute...your their grandmother, not their mother. You're supposed to be enjoying your time and I am supposed to be the one saying they are growing too fast.

However, sometimes, that is just not the case. Right now, I would love for them both to be just a couple years older. Old enough to know better, old enough to listen, old enough to understand, old enough to be able to communicate without crying and whining, old enough to sleep all night long most nights, old enough to appreciate sleeping in...i could go on and on but i will stop there. The bottom line...I love my girls and I do want more children, however, every so often I would love to leave the house with my girls and not haul the kitchen sink with us...diapers, wipes, change of clothing for 2 in case of accidents, snacks, etc. I would love to be able to send them to their room and have them play quietly for an hour without trying to kill each other or themselves. I would love just an hour of time to myself...time to read, time to sit and stare into nothing, time for a bath, time for wine, time for me to just be me.

Then there are times like the other day...i was napping on the couch and woke up with a little girl sleeping on my chest. When i initially laid down on the couch, she was sleeping on the love seat and i was attempting to read. I asked my husband why he moved her on top of me. He told me she didn't, she woke up and climbed up on me and went back to sleep. Or times like last night...my little one was not feeling good and only mommy could make her comfortable enough to sleep. Or this morning...taking my oldest to a birthday party and helping her bowl for the first time...seeing the excitement in her eyes and loving every minute of it.

Do i want my time back...sure i do, but i think i want my little girls to be little a while longer yet. And hopefully, by the time i get to the age where I am a grandmother myself, I will be able to enjoy my grandchildren, but still be happy to have my time, instead of being sad that the babies are growing up.

My baby girl turned 1 yesterday. Where did the year go? I know every adult says things like this, but seriously, it seems like yesterday that she just came home from the hospital. She is learning so much every day. She walks, chases Piper, climbs, talks, and I am sure a whole host of other things that I still have not realized.

Overall, I think she had a good day, although to her, I am sure it was just another day. We are celebrating her birthday, and Piper's birthday, this coming weekend. I cant wait to see her dig into her cake and get to experience that sugar high for the first time. Of course, the house is going to be crazy with all the kids running around and the extra adults in the house, but I am still looking forward to it. I am also looking forward to doing the castle cake for the girls. This was Piper's choice. Then for the guest, they will be getting ice cream cone cakes. I have actually never had one myself, but the looked so very adorable that I couldn't resist trying them out.

Wal-mart

My glasses were lost / stolen this last week, so now I need to go to the eye doctor and have and exam and get new glasses. Really, it's not too big of a deal because my eye sight has changed and I needed new glasses; they just weren't in the budget at the moment. Todd called the eye doctor office about his glasses today and then tried to schedule an appointment for me to get my eyes checked. The quickest appointment they have is on Sept. 16th. That just won't work because about a week after that, I have to have my license renewed and I don't think i will pass the eye test that the DMV gives you without glasses. I am now stuck with going to the Wal-mart Eye Center. I am not really all that happy about this. Of course, Todd and my mother in law both think I am just being stuck up and look at Wal-mart as being cheap. Honestly, that's not it. I guess I do question the expertise behind a doctor that works at Wal-mart, but more to my agitation is that fact that any time I go into Wal-mart, it is always so crowded and people are always so rude! I also got my last pair of glasses from Wal-mart, just the frames and the lenses, nothing extra, and paid more for them there than what Todd paid for his with the scratch guard and glare protection at the doctor's office. However, I need glasses and dont really have the time, so I guess I will suck it up, deal with the crowded place, the rude people, and pay more for just the frames and lenses with "no frills" than I would if I could go to the regular eye doctor.

Black Abyss

I love to write. I especially love to write poetry. The only problem is that in order for me to write anything good, I need to go into a deep, dark place inside of myself. I don't write "happy", I write "sad". I don't like going to this place inside of myself; thinking about thinks I would rather not thing about...love lost, death, or other great sadness. I, however, feel myself slipping into one of those moods, naturally, not because I want to write. I should embrace it as a time to write and get my emotions out, but instead, I am dreading it. I don't want to deal with the emotions. I don't want to deal with bringing myself back out of it once I have written all my emotions down. I don't want to deal with any discoveries I might make while I am in that sadness. I usually discover something, and this time, I don't want to find out that discovery. Maybe it's because I am at a place in my life where I am happy, and I don't want anything to ruin that. Or, maybe I am just dreading the blackness that usually surrounds my world during this mood. Either way, I am sinking further into my abyss. I think I will start putting my emotions to paper and see if any greatness will come.

Happiness

Yesterday, I was asked about my girls from several different people. The last person to ask me then told me, "You look happy". My response of course was "I am very happy". However it got me thinking. Since my youngest was born, I have not actually stated out loud that I am happy, and I had to think, am I? To answer the question, Yes, I am very happy. I just hadn't taken the time to admit that to myself until last night. I don't know why I couldn't admit it. It's not like it would be a bad thing for me to admit that I am happy, but I just hadn't. After I finally admitted out loud to another person, tought about it, and finally admitted it to myself, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Sort of like I had been carrying around this massive secert that I couldn't tell anybody, but I finally did. You know what, my world did not come crashing to a stop after revealing that secret either. So, am I happy? Yes, I am! I am not ashamed or scared to admit it either.

Here is the reason why I am happy:

These 3 wonderful people are the loves of my life...My husband and my 2 girls. This is also the first picture since my youngest was born that I actually look happy.

A Good Mother?

What makes a good mother? Is it having perfect children that listen 100% of the time? Is it never having to yell at your children? Is it just loving them? Seriously, what defines being good?

I thought that I was doing a descent job, but now I am not so sure. My girls are not perfect, but the behave so much better for daddy and grandma. The minute I walk in the room, it's like all hell breaks loose. Of course, daddy and grandma blame me for this. It must be my fault, right? Why else would the be fine until I walk in? I just dont understand. I do the same type of parenting that daddy does, but they listen to him, no me. Grandma has "the look" and "the tone" down pat from when she was rasing my husband, so of course they listen to her. What is it that I am doing wrong?

I have been in tears most of the day over this. I dont want to be the parent that has the unruley children. I dont want to be the parent that is always yelling at her children. I am afraid that this is what I am turning into though. There is no reasoning with a 2 year old and I really dont want to resort to bribing her. Of course, my almost 1 year old is so clingy that I cant even take 2 steps away from her without having her attach herself to my leg!. How on earth to I fix this situation that I apparently created somehow?