Black Abyss

I love to write. I especially love to write poetry. The only problem is that in order for me to write anything good, I need to go into a deep, dark place inside of myself. I don't write "happy", I write "sad". I don't like going to this place inside of myself; thinking about thinks I would rather not thing about...love lost, death, or other great sadness. I, however, feel myself slipping into one of those moods, naturally, not because I want to write. I should embrace it as a time to write and get my emotions out, but instead, I am dreading it. I don't want to deal with the emotions. I don't want to deal with bringing myself back out of it once I have written all my emotions down. I don't want to deal with any discoveries I might make while I am in that sadness. I usually discover something, and this time, I don't want to find out that discovery. Maybe it's because I am at a place in my life where I am happy, and I don't want anything to ruin that. Or, maybe I am just dreading the blackness that usually surrounds my world during this mood. Either way, I am sinking further into my abyss. I think I will start putting my emotions to paper and see if any greatness will come.

Happiness

Yesterday, I was asked about my girls from several different people. The last person to ask me then told me, "You look happy". My response of course was "I am very happy". However it got me thinking. Since my youngest was born, I have not actually stated out loud that I am happy, and I had to think, am I? To answer the question, Yes, I am very happy. I just hadn't taken the time to admit that to myself until last night. I don't know why I couldn't admit it. It's not like it would be a bad thing for me to admit that I am happy, but I just hadn't. After I finally admitted out loud to another person, tought about it, and finally admitted it to myself, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Sort of like I had been carrying around this massive secert that I couldn't tell anybody, but I finally did. You know what, my world did not come crashing to a stop after revealing that secret either. So, am I happy? Yes, I am! I am not ashamed or scared to admit it either.

Here is the reason why I am happy:

These 3 wonderful people are the loves of my life...My husband and my 2 girls. This is also the first picture since my youngest was born that I actually look happy.

A Good Mother?

What makes a good mother? Is it having perfect children that listen 100% of the time? Is it never having to yell at your children? Is it just loving them? Seriously, what defines being good?

I thought that I was doing a descent job, but now I am not so sure. My girls are not perfect, but the behave so much better for daddy and grandma. The minute I walk in the room, it's like all hell breaks loose. Of course, daddy and grandma blame me for this. It must be my fault, right? Why else would the be fine until I walk in? I just dont understand. I do the same type of parenting that daddy does, but they listen to him, no me. Grandma has "the look" and "the tone" down pat from when she was rasing my husband, so of course they listen to her. What is it that I am doing wrong?

I have been in tears most of the day over this. I dont want to be the parent that has the unruley children. I dont want to be the parent that is always yelling at her children. I am afraid that this is what I am turning into though. There is no reasoning with a 2 year old and I really dont want to resort to bribing her. Of course, my almost 1 year old is so clingy that I cant even take 2 steps away from her without having her attach herself to my leg!. How on earth to I fix this situation that I apparently created somehow?