Mommy's Project 52:9 Caring

Caring...

I have always cared for others...other people, animals, sometimes even material objects; never for myself though. That is something I am learning now, and something I am relearning when it comes to others.

After the birth of my youngest, I stopped caring. About everything. I stopped doing everything. I did not take care of myself. I really didn't care if I was home with my family or at work or anywhere. I stopped taking care of the house. I stopped doing our finances. I didn't even care if I was mean to others. As I said...I stopped doing EVERYTHING, and I stopped CARING! It took about a year for me and my husband to really accept that there was a problem. A very serious problem. Postpartum Depression. Sure, during that year, I had good days, but the bad days were far more common. By this time, I was at a very violent point in my life. My husband and I were fighting all the time. I was always angry. All I did was yell at my girls, mostly for minor things that could have, and should have, been handled in a very different manor. I never actually hurt anybody or anything, but I had the desire. A very deep desire. And it scared me.

I finally sought help. I was prescribed medication, but being the stubborn person that I am, I refused to take it. I did however seek out a therapist. I guess I felt that medication was like sweeping the problems under the rug instead of truly dealing with them. Whether that was the right view to have or not really doesn't matter. What matters is that I found a great therapist who has helped me make wonderful progress.

It's been a year now that I have been seeing her. In that time, I have come to accept many things that I honestly would have preferred not too. I have learned that I need to care again. Care not only for my children and my husband, but also for myself. I have always put myself on the back burner. Everybody else was more important, making them happy, making sure they were taken care of, and making sure that they had everything they needed or wanted. Yes, it has been a long, hard year of accepting things and learning things, but I am learning. Slowly, I am learning to care again. I thank God that my wonderful, truly caring, husband had the patience to stand beside me though all of this. For the way I treated him (and sometimes still do), most others would have gone screaming in the other direction.

Another Year Older

And another birthday passed. I did actually celebrate this year. Unfortunately, I made my husband miserable in the process. Last Christmas, I received a trip from work in the Christmas present drawing. The trip was to Tempe and with it we received two tickets to an ASU game. I decided it would be a great way to celebrate my birthday. Little did I know that my girls would come down with colds during the week before the game and pass it on to my husband. We were actually both feeling a little down on Friday morning when we left, but I figured we could down the vitamins like usual and all would be good. For me, they were...for him, not so much. Friday night, we visited my college roommate who I have not seen in a few years. It was great to catch up with her again. Saturday night was the game. By then, my husband was absolutely miserable. The game was good, but I felt bad for making my husband come out when he should have been in bed resting. Sunday, my actual birthday, my husband was feeling even worse. Neither of us had gotten much sleep due to him being up half the night coughing. It was also the day for the long drive home. I was not looking forward to this drive, nor did I want to do it by myself. However, my husband was in no shape to drive. We were making pretty good time, when all the traffic on the highway came to a complete stop. Fortunately, it only took us about a half hour to get through the "big accident". By the time we got to the accident scene, all that was there was a tow truck and a trailer on the side of the road. Not what I was expecting considering the stop in traffic. We start moving again and only have about an hour in a half left to the trip when we see signs stating that the highway is closed 19 miles ahead due to a stalled semi. About this time I get the feeling that something does not want us to get home. So we take the detour which added about a hour to our trip. I am completely exhausted by this time, but continue to drive. Naturally, I start falling asleep at the wheel. My husband starts talking to me, but really, it was not helping. He finally told me to pull over and let him drive. Of course, by this time, I am so frustrated with the day not going the way I wanted it to that I decide to be stubborn. I still am not quite sure how we made it home safely, but we did. When I walked into the house, I was greeted with two very happy little girls telling me "happy birthday". That was the highlight of the day. My oldest then tells me that they baked a cake and shows me the cake, still cooling on the racks. Later, she helped grandma decorate it. I think it turned out pretty good...

I think this is probably the best cake I have ever had as well!

As for my husband...he is now feeling a little better. Monday morning, he went to urgent care since the doctor didn't have any openings. Diagnosis...ACUTE BRONCHITIS! I guess celebrating my birthday should have been put on hold.

Mommy Project 52: 7 Selfless

Ok, so I am late on this again. I ran out of time yesterday and crashed from exhaustion around 830. So here it is now...

I have had trouble coming up with something to write on this topic. I have thought about mothers, servicemen, teachers, nurses, etc. There are so many that I could list and all are perfect displays of what is selfless. In all of these positions, the person puts other's in front of their own needs. However, trying to find a good example in my own life has turned out harder than I imagined. I am a mother, yet, I often times find that I am also very selfish. Don't get me wrong, I always put my children before myself, but I always feel I am doing a poor job as well. My mother was a nurse, but it is hard for me to look at her as being selfless. There is a lot behind those feelings that I simply cannot go into. Unfortunately, most servicemen that I have known personally have not left much of a good opinion of them, so I can't really go there either. So that has left me wondering, who in my life do I consider to be selfless. After much thought, it finally came to me...my sister.

She was married for 17 years to a soldier. After 17 years, their marriage came to an end due to no fault of her own, but still leaving her with 3 young boys to care for. During that time she was married, she mostly did not work. She spent her days at home teaching her young boys right from wrong. She moved her family numerous times as is often the case with any military family. She was away from her family and left many friends that she had made to move onto the next station. Then after 17 years, it all ended. She was back at home relying on our parents to care for her children while she returned to work. She had no choice in this. She came through all of this though. She was strong and overcame in the face of adversity. Since then, she is out on her own, and has made a wonderful life with a new husband of almost 7 years. She now has 3 wonderful boys and a wonderful stepson. My sister gave her up dreams of becoming a pediatrician for her ex-husband. And although she has talked about going back to school, she is putting her own children through college. Again, she is giving up her dreams so that she can give to her family. She would do it all over again though. And the best thing...she is HAPPY.

I have strived all my life to be like my older sister. This is something I know I will never achieve, but if I can learn one thing from her...selfless. I would like to be more selfless.

10 Years Ago

Do you remember where you were?

I was at work in a casino as a 21 dealer. I didn't even realize what was going on at first. I was on break and ready for my 20 minute nap. I saw the image of the first tower on fire and remember thinking nothing of it. At that time, we did not have much information as the news station was just starting the coverage. I returned to work and was dealing to a player when news of the second tower being hit came in. Suddenly, the casino looked like a ghost town. Most, if not all the players returned to their rooms to watch the news for themselves. Shortly after, casino management changed all the televisions in the sports book to the news channels so us employees could somewhat follow along with what was going on. As I watched the screens in horror, I kept thinking that things were going to get worse. When I finally was able to go home, my husband and I were glued to the television all day long, watching and crying as the events unfolded. We learned later that my husband's uncle and family was on board a plane, sitting on the runway, waiting to take off for New York, when the second tower was hit. We are very thankful that his plane never did take off. Unfortunately, others were not so lucky.

Where were you on that tragic morning when history was forever changed?

Mommy's Project 52:6 Crazy

Do you ever feel like you life is in absolute chaos? That would be me ALL! THE! TIME! I feel like I am being pulled here and there...do this, do that, go here, etc. There are days where I don't even feel like I am me anymore. There are days when I don't even know who I am. I keep wondering when did this crazy lady replace the real me. I work 40+ hours a week at a job where I am the boss, sell Avon part time, volunteer probably 10+ hours a week, and work out for an hour 3 times a week. This is on top of caring for a family. When do I have time to relax, reflect, and rejuvenate myself? Now, I am also considering going back to school??? Not to mention that the school cost close to $8000 per semester! If I don't stop soon, I think I will probably turn into the crazy lady when I am older. You know, the on that everybody always talks about; the one that has 30 cats running around her tiny house. I think it is time for me to look into a ME vacation before I turn into this...

Happy Birthday

Four years ago today, I received a wonderful miracle. A miracle that I thought would never happen. A dream that I had just about given up on came true. I became a mother. My husband and I tried for 7 years before we were finally blessed with becoming pregnant. It was a very long 7 years and during that time, I went through many emotions from happiness for others to anger towards others. Close friends and family that tried for only 1 month and were immediately pregnant. Other's who were on birth control and did not want children finding out they were pregnant. The one that really broke me...my sister. She was not supposed to be able to get pregnant and yet, she was. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy for all of these friends and family, but I was in a world of self pity. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. My husband and I were really ready to give up. In fact, the month that we conceived, we were extremely lucky. It almost didn't happen. We were both sick and not really feeling it, but reluctantly, we gave in. About 3 weeks later, 2 days before our anniversary, we found out we were finally expecting. We were caution of who we were telling at first because of my family history. We told my parents and were only going to tell my mother in law, but given that his grandmother was very sick, we decided to let her know that her first great grand child was on the way. We then had our first doctor appointment, only to find that the baby had no heartbeat. We were scared out of our minds and thinking the worst. We made a follow-up appointment for a week later to check the heartbeat again, but before we had the chance to go, we received the phone call that my husband's grandmother had passed away. This was not the best time as we had to drive half way across the country to attend the funeral, which meant that we had to reschedule our appointment. It was a hard week with the funeral and the stress of not knowing what was going on with the pregnancy.

After coming back home we had to wait another week before our appointment. It was a very long week, but finally the appointment arrived and we were extremely relieved that we had a heart beat. We have been told and firmly believe that my husband's grandmother is our baby's guardian angel. While she was alive, my baby did not have a heart beat and we were not sure of the future, but after her passing, we were at peace. We knew our baby would be okay.

That was 4 years and 8 months ago. I didn't know it at the time, but that should have been the first clue that my baby was going to be a difficult, head strong child. The pregnancy was not the easiest. Towards the end, I had high blood pressure and had to be taken off work early. Then, two weeks later, I had to be induced due to my blood pressure. I went to the hospital the night before and had a very rough night. I was given 2 Ambien to help me sleep, but did not sleep at all. The next morning, the doctor came in and broke my water. I was in immediate pain. After some drugs and an epidural, I finally was able to get some sleep. At the time, I didn't know how long I was out, but I woke up to a strong urge to push. The nurse kept telling me that I could not push because I was not complete. That did not go over well at all. Finally, the doctor came back in and I was allowed to push. I thought I had pushed for well over two hours, only to learn later that it was actually about 15 minutes. During this time, I was feeling every little thing, but everybody kept telling me that I had the epidural so it was impossible for me to be feeling everything. I felt the doctor cut me, but was in so much pain from the birth, I really didn't care. I wanted my baby out! Then she got stuck. They started calling for back up. I was past the point of return and there was only one way she was coming out. The doctor had to pull her out of me. When she was finally out, she was not crying. Again, I was about to freak out, but then heard the sweet sound of her screaming. Once the doctor was stitching me up, he finally believed me that I was actually feeling everything. Thankfully he numbed before he continued to stitch me up. Then of course there was my new baby girl. After doing all the checking on her to make sure she was okay, it came back that she had Erb's Palsy due to her being pulled out of me. My sweet baby girl was not perfect as every parent hopes for. We were given stretches to do with her and range of motion exercised. As time went on, the condition corrected itself.

Once we settled into being parents, we realized that we had one very colicky baby. So began a new thing we were dealing with. I was also going through some PPD, although it wasn't until going through it with my second child that I realized this was what was going on. Of course, as time went on, things improved, for both, baby and mama. Now here we are, four years later, with a very determined, head strong, free thinking preschooler. And I wouldn't trade any minute of it! Happy Birthday my baby girl, I am honored to be your mother.

Mommy's Project 52:5 Loving

I am late on posting this because it has been a crazy week, but I still wanted to get it posted. This picture is probably my favorite of my oldest and her grandmother. What more says love than a grandparent caring for her grandchild...