One day at a time

This last month has been crazy and I am going to throw this out there even though it's very hard for me to talk about.

I have been to the doctor and have been prescribed medicine which i am choosing not to take. I am seeing a therapist though and it seems to be helping things. My attitude for the past year just hasn't been where it should be. My fuse has been extremely short. Apparently, this is in part postpartum depression. There are some other issues that are tied in with it, but the postpartum depression has seemed to amplify what was already going on. Something had to give, and hopefully this path that I am taking will make me myself again. I don't like the person that I have become. It has only been a few weeks, but I can already tell that there is at least a small difference. I still have a very short fuse and my attitude is not anywhere near where it should be, but I am working on it. At the suggestion of the therapist, Todd and I need to have a weekly date night so that we can get back to being a couple and not just two parallels. We started that this week and it was nice to be alone together and be able to talk about anything and everything. I also need to start speaking my mind more instead of worrying about how my feelings will affect others. That's a hard one for me. Obviously, I don't want to just be a bitch and tell everybody off when they upset me, but I do need to find a way to constructively get my feelings across. Most importantly though, I need to realize my feelings and the reason for those feelings. For now though, I am just taking things one day at a time.

Growing Up

i have not written in a while...Between birthday parties, working, children, husband, and miscellaneous other things, i have been running short of time and energy. Now, I am taking a breather and reflecting. My babies are growing up. My mom says they are growing too fast for her...wait a minute...your their grandmother, not their mother. You're supposed to be enjoying your time and I am supposed to be the one saying they are growing too fast.

However, sometimes, that is just not the case. Right now, I would love for them both to be just a couple years older. Old enough to know better, old enough to listen, old enough to understand, old enough to be able to communicate without crying and whining, old enough to sleep all night long most nights, old enough to appreciate sleeping in...i could go on and on but i will stop there. The bottom line...I love my girls and I do want more children, however, every so often I would love to leave the house with my girls and not haul the kitchen sink with us...diapers, wipes, change of clothing for 2 in case of accidents, snacks, etc. I would love to be able to send them to their room and have them play quietly for an hour without trying to kill each other or themselves. I would love just an hour of time to myself...time to read, time to sit and stare into nothing, time for a bath, time for wine, time for me to just be me.

Then there are times like the other day...i was napping on the couch and woke up with a little girl sleeping on my chest. When i initially laid down on the couch, she was sleeping on the love seat and i was attempting to read. I asked my husband why he moved her on top of me. He told me she didn't, she woke up and climbed up on me and went back to sleep. Or times like last night...my little one was not feeling good and only mommy could make her comfortable enough to sleep. Or this morning...taking my oldest to a birthday party and helping her bowl for the first time...seeing the excitement in her eyes and loving every minute of it.

Do i want my time back...sure i do, but i think i want my little girls to be little a while longer yet. And hopefully, by the time i get to the age where I am a grandmother myself, I will be able to enjoy my grandchildren, but still be happy to have my time, instead of being sad that the babies are growing up.

My baby girl turned 1 yesterday. Where did the year go? I know every adult says things like this, but seriously, it seems like yesterday that she just came home from the hospital. She is learning so much every day. She walks, chases Piper, climbs, talks, and I am sure a whole host of other things that I still have not realized.

Overall, I think she had a good day, although to her, I am sure it was just another day. We are celebrating her birthday, and Piper's birthday, this coming weekend. I cant wait to see her dig into her cake and get to experience that sugar high for the first time. Of course, the house is going to be crazy with all the kids running around and the extra adults in the house, but I am still looking forward to it. I am also looking forward to doing the castle cake for the girls. This was Piper's choice. Then for the guest, they will be getting ice cream cone cakes. I have actually never had one myself, but the looked so very adorable that I couldn't resist trying them out.

Wal-mart

My glasses were lost / stolen this last week, so now I need to go to the eye doctor and have and exam and get new glasses. Really, it's not too big of a deal because my eye sight has changed and I needed new glasses; they just weren't in the budget at the moment. Todd called the eye doctor office about his glasses today and then tried to schedule an appointment for me to get my eyes checked. The quickest appointment they have is on Sept. 16th. That just won't work because about a week after that, I have to have my license renewed and I don't think i will pass the eye test that the DMV gives you without glasses. I am now stuck with going to the Wal-mart Eye Center. I am not really all that happy about this. Of course, Todd and my mother in law both think I am just being stuck up and look at Wal-mart as being cheap. Honestly, that's not it. I guess I do question the expertise behind a doctor that works at Wal-mart, but more to my agitation is that fact that any time I go into Wal-mart, it is always so crowded and people are always so rude! I also got my last pair of glasses from Wal-mart, just the frames and the lenses, nothing extra, and paid more for them there than what Todd paid for his with the scratch guard and glare protection at the doctor's office. However, I need glasses and dont really have the time, so I guess I will suck it up, deal with the crowded place, the rude people, and pay more for just the frames and lenses with "no frills" than I would if I could go to the regular eye doctor.

Black Abyss

I love to write. I especially love to write poetry. The only problem is that in order for me to write anything good, I need to go into a deep, dark place inside of myself. I don't write "happy", I write "sad". I don't like going to this place inside of myself; thinking about thinks I would rather not thing about...love lost, death, or other great sadness. I, however, feel myself slipping into one of those moods, naturally, not because I want to write. I should embrace it as a time to write and get my emotions out, but instead, I am dreading it. I don't want to deal with the emotions. I don't want to deal with bringing myself back out of it once I have written all my emotions down. I don't want to deal with any discoveries I might make while I am in that sadness. I usually discover something, and this time, I don't want to find out that discovery. Maybe it's because I am at a place in my life where I am happy, and I don't want anything to ruin that. Or, maybe I am just dreading the blackness that usually surrounds my world during this mood. Either way, I am sinking further into my abyss. I think I will start putting my emotions to paper and see if any greatness will come.

Happiness

Yesterday, I was asked about my girls from several different people. The last person to ask me then told me, "You look happy". My response of course was "I am very happy". However it got me thinking. Since my youngest was born, I have not actually stated out loud that I am happy, and I had to think, am I? To answer the question, Yes, I am very happy. I just hadn't taken the time to admit that to myself until last night. I don't know why I couldn't admit it. It's not like it would be a bad thing for me to admit that I am happy, but I just hadn't. After I finally admitted out loud to another person, tought about it, and finally admitted it to myself, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Sort of like I had been carrying around this massive secert that I couldn't tell anybody, but I finally did. You know what, my world did not come crashing to a stop after revealing that secret either. So, am I happy? Yes, I am! I am not ashamed or scared to admit it either.

Here is the reason why I am happy:

These 3 wonderful people are the loves of my life...My husband and my 2 girls. This is also the first picture since my youngest was born that I actually look happy.

A Good Mother?

What makes a good mother? Is it having perfect children that listen 100% of the time? Is it never having to yell at your children? Is it just loving them? Seriously, what defines being good?

I thought that I was doing a descent job, but now I am not so sure. My girls are not perfect, but the behave so much better for daddy and grandma. The minute I walk in the room, it's like all hell breaks loose. Of course, daddy and grandma blame me for this. It must be my fault, right? Why else would the be fine until I walk in? I just dont understand. I do the same type of parenting that daddy does, but they listen to him, no me. Grandma has "the look" and "the tone" down pat from when she was rasing my husband, so of course they listen to her. What is it that I am doing wrong?

I have been in tears most of the day over this. I dont want to be the parent that has the unruley children. I dont want to be the parent that is always yelling at her children. I am afraid that this is what I am turning into though. There is no reasoning with a 2 year old and I really dont want to resort to bribing her. Of course, my almost 1 year old is so clingy that I cant even take 2 steps away from her without having her attach herself to my leg!. How on earth to I fix this situation that I apparently created somehow?

Siblings

Tonight my mother in law sent me a text telling me that Piper asked her if she loved her. Where does a child who is not yet 3 come up with this? How does she even know what that means? I feel that I have been neglecting her lately and I don't mean to. I see the jealousy in her eyes whenever Brylin gets attention, which is most of the time. Unfortunately, a 10 month old can't do a lot for herself yet. Piper is in the full swing of being in the terrible 2's and they are bad. Everyday it seems I am yelling at her more and more, yet the yelling does not make her behave any better. I know I need to try something else, but what? I was raised with fear. I was too scared to upset my father. He was not abusive, but his temper is something I would rather not see. I don't want my girls to fear me, however, how do you reason with a toddler? They are too young to reason. Maybe I am under estimating her ability. She has surprised me in almost all areas when it comes to what she has learned and can do. How do I make sure she knows she is loved? How do I make her understand that Brylin is not more important than she is just because right now she gets more of the attention?

Favoritism

It has been a long week but my family is finally gone. I love seeing them, but I am so happy to have my house and my time back! Besides, the more I learn about some of the things that happened while I was at work and Todd was sleeping, the more upset I get. I will never understand how somebody can play favorites between their children, or in this case grandchildren! What scares me though is how common this seems to be, and not only in my family. I have 2 daughters and I love them both very much, but I cant see playing favorites with them. Yes, there are days when Piper is driving me nuts or Brylin is driving me nuts, but that doesn't make the "good" child better. For all I know, tomorrow they will flip flop and the one that was driving me nuts today will be the perfect angel tomorrow.

I would like to know why my child was the only one being told to share? Why is it that MY rules in MY house do not apply to another child when I am not there? And WHY do other people find it perfectly okay to criticize the rules another parent sets for their child? Just because somebody has been a parent longer than me, does not make them an expert on my children or what is best for them! Piper my only be 2, but she still has rules that I expect her to follow, whether or not we have company, and whether or not said company agrees!

Most times, I hate living so far from family, but times like this...I am happy. I don't deal with the favoritism on a daily basis. The only time I "deal" with it is weekly, while on the phone. Again, I am not "dealing" with it, but rather listening to it. I think I am actually more upset for the ones that do have to deal with it on a daily basis. If it makes me this crazy after only a week, I cant imagine it being an everyday issue.

The Mall and My Niece

I took my niece to the mall today. I have not been to the mall to go shopping in years. I had convinced myself that I hated the mall. After today though, I realize that it is not as bad as I thought. My niece even found some pretty good deals, so I cant say that the prices are higher. Granted, the stores that my niece was shopping in, I could not currently wear the clothing, but I did like it. I guess that is telling me that it is time to lose this weight so I can be fashionable again. Again...HA! Like I have ever been fashionable. I like wearing what's comfortable and if that means sweat pants from 10 years ago then that's what I am wearing. No matter what I decide to wear though, I think I may actually venture back into the mall from time to time.

An even bigger plus that came from this shopping trip though and one that I will always cherish...I finally got to spend some time with my niece and get to know her a little bit. Seeing a person every few years really does not build a relationship. My niece is no longer the little girl that I was always around before moving away. She is now a very beautiful young woman with a lot going for her. Hopefully, I will soon be close enough to actually spend more time with her and the rest of my family. My niece leaves on Tuesday and I am not sure when I will get to see her again.

Negativity

I dont understand people. Why would anybody want to live their life feeling sorry for themselves and getting others to feel sorry for them as well? I cant help think about how sad of a life that would be. Yes, everybody has their problems, and yes, everybody goes through rough times, but why dwell on them? Something positive can come out of any situation, you just have to be willing to look for it. I guess if you are constantly dwelling on the negative aspects of your life, then finding the positive is impossible. For what it is worth, I have been there. I went through a period of several years of being negative. Let me tell you, it takes a lot more energy to be negative all the time. Soon, the negativity starts to zap the energy out of those around you as well. Once that starts to happen, nobody wants to be around you. Thats what finally helped me move out of that phase of my life. I realized that I really had nobody other than my husband. I cant say that we had the greatest of relationships at the time. Slowly though, it did start to get better, one day at a time. So now, I look at the situation I am dealing with now...I am was not the negative person, but rather the one always trying to bring the positive into this persons life. I got to the point where I no longer had the energy to deal with it, and now I dont. I just sit here and try hard to not even acknowledge that the person is in the room. Now, at a point in their life, when they probably need a friend more than anything, I am not there for them. Why? Is it just too hard? Or have I come to the conclusion that I cant change anybody else? Maybe, I am just trying to live for myself now and trying to find the positives in my life by limiting what negativity I can. Does this make me a bad person? Am I selfish for wanting to be happy?

9 months ago

9 months ago today, I was sitting in a hospital bed, in pain but content. I was holding my newborn baby girl. I was happy, scared, angry, and tired. In short, I was one big ball of emotions. Today, I am still one big ball of emotions. How can my sweet, innocent baby girl already be 9 months old? She is so different from her older sister. Brylin is my calm baby. Of course, she is also my clingy baby. She is growing so much quicker than Piper and she is learning quicker as well. We have gone through quite a bit of learning together, from how to breast feed to learning her subtle little cues. There are many times that I am still clueless as to what my baby girl is trying to tell me. It still amazes me how a tiny, helpless baby who cannot talk can communicate so easily. Sure I am still learning the differences between her cries, but it is finally getting easier for me. And now, she is beginning to talk. She clearly says mama, dada, no, boo, and nigh (night). Every so often she says baby and oof (woof). She is walking around furniture, climbing on everything, and attempting to stand all by herself. She is at what I like to call the fun age...the one where everything is a learning experience for her and she has not completely learned that art of tantrums (although Piper is quickly teaching her those as well). Soon I will no longer have a baby, but a toddler, and then a preschooler, followed by a child, a teenager, and then she will turn into an adult herself. So, before she grows too fast, I am going to take this time to enjoy her, at this perfect age. I am also going to enjoy Piper, even though she is at that trying terrible two's phase. I am going to take one day at a time with my girls and try to enjoy the innocence that they both have.

Going to try

well, i have decided that i need a way to express myself so i am going to try to blog. normally, i write poetry, but i have to get too emotional in order to write anything good. granted there are times that i am very emotional thanks to post pregnancy hormones. i think it is also due to lack of sleep. i have 2 beautiful little girls, a crazy work schedule, volunteer for The Mommies Network, and sell Avon. between the everything, i barely get 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night. so here i am...should be getting into bed, but instead, i am writing / setting up a blog. not sure how often i will get to update this or where i will go with my ramblings, but here is my start. for now though, it is time to put my head to the pillow.